To Kvetch or Not to Kvetch: A Mental Sanity Update

I’ll admit, I started out this quarantine with a bang. I’m not the kind of person who is bothered by being confined at home unless that home lacks air conditioning, has mosquitos, and is situated in a climate similar to summertime in Havana.

I recognize that many people in Los Angeles live in impoverished uncomfortable conditions, even though the weather is dry and still mild. I am fortunate to not be one of them. I have a lot to be grateful for.

I am healthy. My family is healthy. My limbs all work really well, even if I have a slightly sprained ankle from hiking. I am able to pay my monthly expenses. My basic needs stuff is being handled. Dayenu.

Beyond that, I am a person who prefers to see a challenge as an opportunity. It’s not that I was born with stars shooting out of my ass like Mary Poppins. I wasn’t. It’s just that I’ve looked into the options and…that’s the best one.

Complaining about challenges only makes the challenges more difficult to move through, and when you don’t have a choice about avoiding a particular challenge — like the many that COVID-19 is presenting to the world — the only viable option is to meet the challenges with an intention to grow from them.

That doesn’t make the challenges go away. It doesn’t mean there isn’t fear. Pain. Anxiety. Depression. Boredom. Grief. Sore backs and gray hair. There are. Those are exactly the challenges.

I’ve experienced a lot of anxiety in the last few months. I’m the type of Ashkenazi Jew who tends towards depression more than anxiety, but I know them both.

Here’s a favorite line of mine I wrote for a comedy show years ago that I never performed.

“On my father’s side, I inherited depression. Lethargy. Hopelessness. Tears of self-pity. Fortunately, on my mother’s side, I got anxiety so I can get out of bed in the morning!”

Ultimately depression and anxiety are both the same — repressed emotion finding a way to speak to you in two different languages. One wallows in the shadows in unbearable sadness, the other screams at the top of its lungs that nothing will be ok. Both are asking you to go inwards and face the wounds that need attention and love.

It’s not that COVID has made me anxious. It’s that I already had feelings and situations that were making me anxious on a much lower frequency, that I could ignore with “life activities” that aren’t available to me now. COVID has simply squished everything together so I can’t ignore the nervous energy rattling around inside.

I have uncertainties with work that have been present for a couple of years. I tend to want to know the answer to life’s problems without having to dip my toe into the feeling of those problems themselves. I don’t always trust myself to make the right decisions and I am feeling that insecurity in a much higher volume now.

With nowhere to go and a choice to not numb my feelings with alcohol or Xanax, I have had no choice but to go inwards. I meditate every day, but I can’t tell you how many times I have meditated with anxiety swirling around my brain and body. I may have been sitting still, but there was nothing zen about the way I felt.

But even that, I have learned, is part of the process of going inward. To ALLOW the feelings of discomfort to exist without trying to change them. It’s important to know yourself and not judge yourself.

Every once in awhile I am able to finally feel what is underneath the anxiety. Do you know what it is? It’s fear. It’s grief. It’s sadness. And when I can get below the top levels of angst I have actually been able to cry. With the tears, is the release. And with the release is a feeling of calm.

I have understood that I must slow down. I tend to pile tons of stuff on my plate and I have perfectionistic expectations for myself that aren’t healthy. In order to slow down, I will have to risk disappointing myself, my students and my community. I have to risk failure.

It’s taken me months but I know the answer now.

The key is to love yourself even as you are trembling in fear. To nourish yourself with kindness even when you hate yourself for being so vulnerable. And to know that we are part of a greater divine force and not being in control might be the best thing for us.

I’ve experienced a lot of gratitude in the last three months for the challenges I have faced. Beyond the lessons I just shared, I have developed an in-home yoga practice that I love and can take with me anywhere I travel…one day! I have discovered that cooking can be taught effectively online. And I have had space to quietly begin writing my next book without the fear that I’m missing out on some big party.

So when is it ok to complain then? I suggest we don’t. That we see every challenge as a bottle of olive oil waiting to make some new ingredients delicious.

That said, I want to acknowledge all of you that are experiencing loss and hardship right now. My heart goes to you and your family. This is not an easy time.

And for those of us who have more to give right now or are looking to move through anxiety or depression by having a sense of purpose, let’ s put our hearts and resources towards people who may be going through really difficult times.

If you would like to raise funds for various causes by cooking with me and my community, please check out what’s coming here and join the mailing list to get updated on further community minded cooking events.